Death is scary. It often comes without warning. With today’s modern medical technology, detection of a terminal disease is becoming more common. Facing the end, a patient is faced with critical questions.
Would you prefer to die instantly without knowing?
If you had only 3 months to live, what would you do with that time?
A friend of mine faced these very questions. His answers to these questions were inspiring.
Cancer of an unknown source
In the summer of 2018, John was walking home from dinner with his family. It was a short 10 minute walk. He had to stop halfway home because he was feeling unwell. He was taken to the ER. After some tests, he was found to have numerous tumors in and around his abdomen. The cancer had metasticized so rapidly that the doctors could only guess the origin of the growth. Having cancer is unwelcome. Having a fast-growing tumor without knowing the source is far worse. John’s doctors had to use their best guess of the origin of his cancer in order to establish a chemotherapy protocol. It is not good when your doctors are throwing darts with your life in the balance.
John was not going to give up without a fight. He uncomplainingly endured 5 different chemotherapy regiments before he ultimately succumbed. Some of the chemo slowed or reversed the growth but the cancer was never completely eradicated.
Laughter is the best medicine
John faced his disease with courage and humor. Of his hundreds of cancerous growths, he had 3 large masses that would tenaciously remain after each battery of chemotherapy drugs. He has seen these masses so many times on his scans that he thought it would be funny and only fitting to give them pet names. [The names have slipped my memory]
A reason to live
John had much to live for. He had a loving wife, two amazing boys, and a delightful daughter. He also had bills to pay. His wife is a talented musician and was splitting time between raising the kids and providing music lessons on the side. John worked as a green-energy consultant. When he was informed that his chances of survival were low, John and his wife faced a cost-of-living crisis. Without John’s salary, his wife would not be able to afford their California house. John’s wife stepped up and got a full-time job working for a mortgage broker. Even with this added source, John was still bringing in the lion’s share of the family’s income.
In the summer of 2019, I met with John as he was driving home from a conference in San Francisco where he was moderating a panel. His year long battle with cancer was raging unabated. He was working full time while receiving almost weekly chemotherapy injections. Why? He wanted to bring in as much money for his wife and kids while he still could. There would be no indulgent, around-the-world farewell holiday for John.
A 50th birthday party to go out in style
After the fourth chemo regiment was proving ineffective, John’s survival chances were dimming. It would be a near miracle for him to make it to his 50th birthday in December 2019.
His wife and a longtime college friend had an idea. Would John be open to inviting his friends and family for what would likely be his last birthday?
John loved the idea.
Emails, Facebook messages and text messages flew across the nation as John’s friends and family were invited to this special celebration.
The attendance rate was tremendous. 60 of John’s closest friends and family made the trip to the west coast to celebrate and say goodbye. Between the chemo and the cancer, John had no appetite and was prohibited from drinking alcohol. The party was supposed to be a one day affair but evolved into a weekend long romp. The main event started early on Saturday December 14th. People began arriving en mass around 2:30pm. The early start was based on John’s limited energy. The plan was that John would stay up for a few hours and then duck out to hit the sack.
The party raged for hours with many toasts and speeches commemorating John. Old friends who hadn’t seen each other for decades were brought together again. After the dozen or so toasts in the early evening, John indulged in a small flute of Dom Perignon. He had fulfilled his duty and could now retire and rest. Surprisingly, John had a surge of energy and stayed up till 1:30am. Not bad for a man on his death bed.
The end is near
The Sunday after the party, John was feeling rested and rejuvenated. He even had a tiny appetite. All the goodwill and love seemed to have bolstered his spirits.
The very next day, Monday the 16th, John went back to the hospital to start his 5th and final chemo regiment. It did not go well. He was having trouble breathing and water was accumulating in his lungs. Thoughts and prayers were sent his way.
Wednesday, the 18th was John’s official birthday. He had defied the odds and made it to his 50th birthday. Sadly, he was not doing well. Ultimately the difficult decision was made to move him to hospice care.
His friends and family got word of the development late Thursday night. After settling in to his hospice bed on Friday the 20th, John had a simple request. He asked his brother to get him a beer. Chad, a mutual college buddy, had an inspired idea. Why not celebrate a virtual toast with the man. We were able to share one final round with John.
Photos of friends and family lifting a toast to John came pouring in from across the nation. Over 40 people and one dog participated in the virtual cheers. John would pass peacefully later that night with his family by his side.
For John’s friends and family, December 20th will now be recognized with a virtual toast in his honor.
Live like it matters, die like it matters
John lived a full life in his 50 years on this planet. He was curious, generous, caring, and honest. He was a dedicated family man. A man who loved life, family and friends. It seems only fitting that his last days were spent surrounded by the friends and family who mattered most to him.
This is not the first loss for me. My father and three close friends passed suddenly. No goodbyes. No last words. On the suck-o-meter, these tragedies register in the mega-suck range.
With John, the situation could not have been more different. We had time to reminisce. I let him know how important and special he has been to me. The man was wise in life and in death. Here is what I learned from John.
If you had a choice between dying suddenly or knowing when you will die, which would you choose?
Choose to know your fate and face your mortal end with humility and courage.
If you had only 3 months to live, what would you do?
Find a way to connect and say goodbye to the most important people in your life. Let them do the same for you. If possible, throw a huge bash.
Thanks John. Your example lives on, as does you memory.
A final note
Less than a month since John’s passing, a GoFundMe campaign to help support John’s family has raised over $55,000 from 371 donors.
